I need to be a Zebra

or The Importance of Goal Setting

First Things First

Still not impressed with the speed of our new Broadband Connection. Before the switch over we had 4 Meg, now we are down to 0.3 Meg. The units are not important really, all you need to know is that downloading the images for tonight's Blog, is taking forever, Ggrrrr!! What did we do before all this technology?

Secondly

Oven part ordered over the Internet, has arrived, has been fitted by DH and oven is now back in operation. Woohoo!! Maybe now I can cook the biscuit mix I had made before it blew up. Hopefully can now try out a few new recipes over the Bank Holiday weekend. A friend suggested I try some from CBeebies, she obviously realises my level of capability!!

More Importantly - Goal Setting

I went to my G.P. yesterday, ostensibly to be doled out some more tablets, to keep me from becoming a problem, while I wait the interminable wait for some actual "talking" therapy, which ultimately is the only thing likely to stop me being a drain on the system in the first place. No, don't get me started on the state of this country's mental health services or this post would never end. Anyway, my G.P. is actually a lovely chap, who has been very kind to both DH and I, since all this started. Whatever, you might think about his advice, at least he takes the time to listen and to try and support with some advice and I do believe he really cares. (Hopefully I'm not just being naive).

He could see I was more Blah! than I was last month when I went to see him, and when I explained it was hard to get motivated to do anything, he reiterated what I do know already, that it is important for people with depression to set themselves goals. Not to beat themselves up with, but to try and keep them moving forwards. He stressed again the importance of exercise and whilst I have managed to keep up the Aquafit and the Taekwondo, my enthusiasm has definitely fallen into a slump, and the exercise I was doing has gone by the board. He was kind enough not to mention the fact that I am "Obese", and I was too chicken to tell him I've put on 3 pounds in the last month.

However, in the interests of giving me goals to aim for, and to increase my exercise, to get all those lovely endorphins released to raise my spirits, he set me a Challenge. Sign up for a 5k Race for Life and start getting sponsorship, so I make myself accountable for it to people. Then get a training plan in place to get ready for it. Once I've done that, then sign up for a 10k Race for Life next and after that sign up for a half Marathon. Now I had been thinking of doing the 5k Race for Life this year for a little while. Indeed, every time the advert comes on, No.2. Son says, you're doing that again aren't you Mommy! However, the thought of me doing a half Marathon is frankly ludicrous, but when I said "Running isn't really my thing. I don't do running."  He explained that I needed to be a Zebra. 

He said that it's all very well for us humans, we are fortunate enough that if we wake up feeling a bit under the weather and can't be bothered to do anything, we can just sit in an armchair or lie on the couch and relax. If you are a Zebra and you wake up and see the rest of the Dazzle (yes that is a collective noun for Zebras), moving on, you can't say to yourself, "Really? must we move on to another watering hole? I'm not really in the mood for it today, can't we just stay here? Tell you what guys, you all move on the next place, I'll just lie back down here". No you can't - because what happens if all the other Zebras move on and you're left on your own? Mmm,num,num, a lion gets a tasty snack, that's what happens! So I have to be a Zebra and just keep moving forward whether I feel like it or not, not wait until I feel like it to move forwards!!

In the interests of being a Zebra, I am now fully signed up for my 5k Race for Life in July. It cost me £14.99 for the privilege. I don't suppose I can take that out of the sponsorship money? No, no, sorry, what am I talking about? Of course I can't, sorry! In fact, I'm not sure I'd be able to anyway, because I'm rubbish at asking people to sponsor anything, still, even if I only tell people I'm doing it, that's the point. I have also started a new page to record my weight loss and for the first couple of weeks a food diary to get me started. Now the thought of putting my weight loss (or more probably lack of loss), out there in the public domain for all to laugh at and criticise is making me very shaky, but I guess accountability can be like that and I have to be a Zebra. Zebras don't spend all their time thinking about what they should or shouldn't do, or what the other Zebras think of them, they just keep moving forwards. So new Page done and weight declared! Oh Lord, I feel I may regret that sooner rather than later.

I'm worn out just from the thought of what I have to do, so I'm going for a quick lie down. There's no lions about are there?

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Stepping out in Faith

Having struggled with PTSD & Depression for the last 9 months, I am a woman seeking refuge and restoration, making significant life changes and praying that if I "walk by faith and not by sight" 2Cor 5:7 God will be there to guide my steps to a safer path.

I am 41 and live in a beautiful part of Devon on the edge of Dartmoor. I have a Darling Hubby (DH) and two wonderful sons, nominally aged 13 and 7 (8 on Easter Sunday!!), but both of them going on 90 in terms of their knowledge and wisdom. It seems there is nothing I can teach them which is just as well, as it seems I have a lot to learn myself. Top on my list is learning that I am 'good enough'.

DH had a Cardiac Arrest at home on 22nd February 2010, around 22:00. Thankfully we had sat down to watch the television that evening together, for the first time in about three months. Prior to that we had both been so busy with work and household jobs that our evenings were invariably spent with DH in his study and me in the kitchen. However that night God was watching over him and when he stood up just after the Ten O'clock News had started, only to say 'I feel faint' and then promptly drop down dead, I was there to witness it and call 999. 

I proceeded to perform CPR on DH for 15 minutes, with the help of the wonderful Hannah who took my call, until the Ambulance crew arrived. The amazing Tony and Steve used the Defibrillator to shock DH's heart 5 times, pumped him full of drugs, intubated him (stuck a tube down his throat) and carted him off to A&E in a big flashy ambulance. I was convinced he was gone and I was distraught. To cut a very long story somewhat shorter, after a horrendous few days, during which he was taken to ICU, where they put him in a state of induced hypothermia and told me he was very likely to be severely brian damaged due to 25 minutes without a proper supply of Oxygen to the brain, he was taken to the Bristol Heart Institute. 

There we spent a horrendous month of tests and risky operations, but he eventually came home with an 800 volt "Shock Box" or ICD (Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator) wired up directly to his heart, just in case it throws a wobbly again and I can thankfully say my DH is one of the 5% of people who survive a cardiac arrest outside of hospital. I should add his brain is no worse than it was before the event. I do know that if what happened, had happened at any other time, for example, in his sleep, or even half an hour later, I would not have known until after he was gone. I also know that in addition to the miracle of the timing, God held on tight to him that night and I am so grateful to have him back.

Sadly the event has left me with continuing nightmares, flashbacks (awake) and mood swings. During the following year my life was also made more difficult by someone at work who should have known better, (probably shouldn't blog about this in detail) which threw me into full blown depression. I am on a waiting list for EMDR, which could take months and has ultimately led to me resigning from not only my job, but a career which has taken me 24 years to build. 

So here I stand on the cusp of something new with no confidence in my ability to peel a potato any more, let alone do the kind of senior job I used to do. DH has just bought me a sweet little two-seater soft-top Sports car, (it's a Mazda MX5, for those who are interested in that kind of thing) which he says is a "Lifes too Short" gift. Indeed, it is giving me some good days driving round in the sun, across the Moors, with the top down, but I still get the bad days too and I have no idea where God wants me to go next.

Inspired by the awesome and wonderful Fostermummy, who I know is on the same rollercoaster, I am determined to start making changes to my life. (I am also very desperate to Win a Day with her, more about that later!!). I know my blog is unlikely to be as entertaining as hers - she is well worth following - fostermummy.blogspot.com but I would be grateful for any comments you wish to send my way.

I am thankful that the Lord has declared He will Restore my health and heal my wounds (Jer 30:17) and until that happens, I guess I will just have to start Stepping Out in Faith.......