Breaking the Silence and Revealing All

Hi Folks, that's the longest absence I've had from my Blog since I started it and I nearly didn't make it back at all. In fact it still remains to be seen whether I do or not. A few different factors really, it started with a cold and I didn't feel like much of anything, except sleeping, then there was a week without access to a computer, and then the darkness descended!!!

I've had a really difficult struggle with some very negative thoughts, in part (I think?) caused by starting my EMDR therapy. Why is it that having waited so very long for it, now that I have started it, I am suddenly angry about how long it has taken, rather than feeling grateful? I am angry that it didn't come in time to, maybe, save my job. After the first couple of sessions of introduction and structure, came a couple of sessions of "History Taking". This consists of trying to articulate all the occasions and situations where negative thoughts and beliefs were fed to you as a child, in 45 minutes. It would take me a week to tell all of these, that's at least 168 hours, not less than one. Then re-living the traumatic incident and picking out all of the worst pictures and scenes from that in your mind and the negative thoughts that go along with them, in another 45 minutes. Gee, that was a FUN session. 

Discovering your fundamental belief about yourself is, "I am not capable", strangely doesn't seem to alter that belief in any way. Does that make me crazy? Not capable of choosing what clothes to wear, not capable of being a good mother, not capable of holding a responsible job, not capable of saving a life. Not capable of writing a Blog that anyone would really miss if it wasn't there. Yes folks, I did have a couple of mopey days, where after a couple of weeks of absence from my Blog, and not a single word from anyone, I felt like it was a confirmation of that. Thanks to Sandra and Rachel for bringing me out of that particular fug.

Hopefully, things will start to change when we get on to the "therapy" proper. I get to choose between having the lovely lady wave her fingers in front and to the sides of my eyes.

Whether to hold some little paddles, one in each hand, which alternately vibrate, at different speeds or listen to clicking noises moving from one ear to the other, or both of these together.

Or, which I think might be my favourite, and the one I'll go for, watching lights move along a bar. These can also be altered in different ways, speed, etc. I did try it and it was the one I found the easiest to concentrate on.

My negative funk, was also in part (I know) caused by a lack of friendship shown to me by folks I actually thought were 'real' friends. It seems I am able to be picked up when wanted/needed for something and put aside when not. Boy, that has the power to really sting, every time! Never mind "a sharp stratch", that one's a sucker punch to the gut!! 

So yes, it's been a struggle and I fear its not over yet.

But as I sit here and write tonight, I am in the throes of another virus, (my second in less than 2 months, my Mum would say I need a "tonic", I never really knew what that meant?), and every paroxysm of coughing is causing terrible pain in my chest, the back of my neck and across my shoulder blades. I am high on pain killers and I have no voice, so I cannot speak, yet it seems very apt that I should be here 'talking' and breaking the silence.

You probably think, I've revealed quite enough already but that wasn't quite what I was thinking of when I wrote the title. I thought I would end on a slightly more positive note with a crochet reveal. So not revealing ALL, at all in fact, phew!!

You have, probably, all forgotten this sneaky peak of a WIP, I gave you back here, at the beginning of August.

I'm afraid to say Mum, all your guesses were incorrect, not a Zebra or a Panda. A bit unfair really, as the photo obviously didn't show the colours too well - they are in fact, cream, lemon and chocolate brown.

The Finished Object is ..............................................


How long do they normally pause for on those dreaded results shows?.........................


before they tell you, which couple.......................................


is leaving this week ..............................................


IMHO, it's far too long ..........................................


to the point where you could scream at the telly .....................................


or just turn over.................................... NO, DON'T DO THAT!! I'm sorry !!! Here it is.

It is actually a car seat blanket and hat, which was a present for FrugalMummy's GD (and she truly is, very gorgeous). Hence the initial secrecy back in August. There is a little hole in the blanket for the car seat strap to go through.

Now, I'm always very honest, so I have a confession to make about the hat. I feel I'm still fairly new to the whole crochet craze, although I'm hooked. (Sorry!!) So I'm still at the stage where I just follow a pattern blindly, but I must admit to having doubts about the size of this hat all the way through. I'm not sure why I thought that the situation would improve, but I did feel it would work out alright in the end. However,......

As I don't have a newborn in the house, Alvin had to step up and model.

When the hat was a tight squeeze even on his head, I knew it was wrong. Eventually I found a willing newborn to try it on and it just perched on top of their tiny head. Uh,Uh, back to the drawing board. Undetered I started again and thought, well I'll just keep increasing for a couple more rounds, but again having no newborn to try it on, I didn't really know when to stop. In the end, I had to consult the oracle, Frugalmummy herself, surprise blown, but I'd rather GD had a gift she can use. 

After taking advice I did a decrease round which brought it in again, so the final hat ended up as a kind of beret! A slight depature from the original, but it didn't look too bad when the flower had been added. What do you think?

The tiny hat went in the present aswell, hopefully Baby's doll can wear it and I so hope the beret fits. If not I still have some more wool left!!!!!

All of it was wrapped up and given to GD at her fabulous Baby Shower and she seemed pleased with the final result.

Now to start the next project, or maybe I should finish another one or two first.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

A Perfect Pie

Depression is really hard. It doesn't matter how much you try and buck yourself up, it's just not possible. It doesn't matter how many people tell you to stop dwelling on it and get up and do something instead, it's often hard just to stand up, let alone move around. A lot of days are hard, even when I blog about something more cheery, because otherwise my blog would be too "boring" for words. There's often a sense that I am lazy when I find I can't seem to get anything done because I'm moving through treacle. I saw this and thought    

yes, maybe that partly explains it. I spent two and a half years killing myself with overtime to please a Boss that was never going to be satisfied, because of a hidden agenda and now I'm rebelling. This would mean I only have another year to go of being totally lazy before that debt is re-paid. Sadly, I'm not convinced it works like that.

The other thing depression ruins is your ability to be rational. To see the every day disasters of life in a sensible adult rational way. You want to be able to be calm and balanced, but emotions and feelings seem to just flood in. Take my pie for example............

Yesterday, although moving through my "fug" (not sure what this word means, but it's a bit like fog and a bit like sticky mud!!), I thought I would be a good Mommy and make Chicken and Mushroom pie for tea - the one Froogs taught me. There was enough filling for two pie tins, but only enough pastry to top one and a half, but I didn't let that worry me too much. The trouble started after I'd put the pies in the oven to cook.  

When the buzzer went to say they were done, I opened the door and was dismayed. I had forgotten, somehow that puff pastry, you guessed it, puffs up. I had put the best pie too high in the oven and now it wouldn't come out because the top was higher inside the oven. I tried to slide the oven shelf out and catch the pie behind it and in the process of doing so, lost hold of the pie which spilled the best parts of it's contents in the back corner of the oven.

Well, with that, the tears started to flow. My DH came runnning when the sound of my blubbing and wailing got too high and when he said it was Ok, he nearly ended up with the rest of the pie down his shirt!!

However, wonderful man that he is, when faced with me screaming in his face, "No, it's not Ok, everything I do just turns to ****", he stayed very calm and replied, "I know it doesn't feel Ok right now, but look at what you've made............

...........you've made one pie with filling, but no top...............

...........and one pie, with a lovely top, but no filling..............

.......... so between the two, they average out at one perfect pie."

I must admit he did have me chuckling, even through my tears.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Misery loves Company

Do you think that's true? I'm not sure I do. Surely real misery justs wants to be left alone to hide in a corner. I don't think that's what the phrase is meant to mean though, is it? It's more like saying a sad person wants everyone around them to feel equally sad and I don't really think that's true either. I don't think when I'm feeling bad, I really want to make everyone else feel bad aswell.

I read a blog that I follow the other day and the lovely lady was talking about the posts that made her cringe. This did seem to encompass pretty much every type pf post, nearly all I am guilty of and there didn't appear to be much left to safely Blog about. However, Number 5 on her list was:-

The fishing post

Possibly not intentional, probably intentional, the 'woe is me' post that includes a dissection of your lack of self-esteem and general unworthiness is heart-breaking, but cringe-inducing. Especially when 47 people comment on the post to tell you how wonderful you are and yet, there you are again next week with a new post about how un-wonderful you are. Yep, there you are.

She's going to really hate my post today, still she doesn't follow me, so she should be fine. I do a lot of "woe is me" type posts because a lot of the time I feel woeful and my Blog is a reflection of my days. 

Today, my struggling turned into a full blown melt down and I turned to a good friend I knew would help me. In amongst other texts I sent her this, "I'm just fat & stupid & useless and I'm making my family's life worse. Everyone would just be better off without me!" 

Wow, a real big "woe is me" moment, but I didn't say it because I wanted her to contradict me or for affirmation, (although it's always good to hear they don't think that's true). I said it because it was an outpouring of my 'reality' today and it somehow lessens it, if it's effectively said "out loud". If I had kept that 'truth' to myself I know it would grow inside me. That may not make sense anywhere other than in my own brain!!

Her excellent advice was to open my Bible and read it, but I just couldn't. I picked it up, I turned it over and over in my hands for at least half an hour, but I couldn't open it and I wanted to understand why? I've thought about it long and hard all day, partly because it helped keep my mind off the other issue that caused the melt down, but mainly because I wanted to know the answer. I'm still not sure I really do, but  I think I'm getting nearer to it.

(sorry, there's a lot of very circular thinking in this one.)

It's something to do with the fact that when I feel useless and a failure, that seems utterly true to me, it is real and nothing anyone says to the contrary can really change that reality or dissuade me from believing it because that can't fit with my truth.

Therefore, if I were to read something in the Bible to the contrary, which perhaps told me that I was very precious to God and "the very hairs of [my] head are numbered. Therefore have no fear; you are worth more than many sparrows" Matthew 10 v 29-31, I would have to reject it as untrue. As rejecting the word of God is a total anathema to me, better surely that I not read it, then I won't upset Him or me.

Does all that fuzzy logic make your brain ache?, it does mine, but then my brain turned to mush long before today. 

To be perfectly honest, I'll be glad when today is over, you wouldn't believe how hard I've found it to send two simple texts. I've cried and hyperventilated myself into a state of exhaustion today and I knew my brain had finally given out, when I went to get ready to take number 1 Son to a cricket match tonight and I sprayed hairspray under my arms instead of deodorant! 

I need a lie down in a dark room and hopefully my Bible will be open in the morning.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx


P.S. Please feel free to ignore my "woe is me" post and not tell me how wonderful I am, I'm just exuding my gunk!

Struggling

Welcome to new Follower Justine. It's lovely to have you here, but apologies, struggling the last few days.

Normal service will resume shortly.

Still lots of love Arwedd xx

If you Can't say anything Nice (part 2)

In my little Profile paragraph, which appears in the right sidebar, I did write that I am still quite fragile and anyone who has read my Blog, from the beginning, will have a little insight into why I might have said that. Maybe then I was a bit too eager to race ahead with my Blogging when I decided to start a second Blog about my dieting progress on Stepping Out for a Bite.

I was inspired by Sue's How Low Can You Go Food Diary and Mrs Thrifty's New Beginnings With Food to try the Harcombe Diet  and like these two lovely ladies I wanted to be quite honest, if I didn't stick to the plan or didn't lose any weight. 

I should have been prepared, therefore, for the comments that I received in response, however I have to admit to being very upset by two in particular and apologies to my 4 Followers, I haven't been able to post on that Blog for sometime. However, I do recognise that I did set myself up to receive comments and to make myself "accountable" for my actions in regard to my Food Intake.

Therefore I would also like to apologise to both anonymous commenters for not publishing your comments. I can't find a way to reinstate the comments, which I deleted, and can only remember one of them verbatim, so Anonymous 1 here is your comment, "A few too many Oops moments, you'll never be anything but a heifer unless you change your attitude!". Anonymous 2, I don't want to paraphrase, but if you send your comment again I will post it and thank you both for trying to help me stick to my guns.

Whilst I am not necessarily any less fragile emotionally, I will be trying to add some posts on my Food Diary Blog for those who were kind enough to Follow me, but it will probably not be daily and is likely to only be a celebration of successes, rather than a no-holds barred account. I hope this is Ok.

For those who wanted to know about my next Crochet project, this is all I can show you for now, but it has definitely started in earnest.

Mummyhen can you tell me more about Ravellry. Is it easy? Useful? what do you use it for?

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Pretty in Pink

Well not me, obviously, but all the other wild and wonderful outfits, worn by a lovely group of women.

I felt my outfit was missing a pair of the hot pink leg warmers most ladies had on.

Thanks very much to the wonderful KT for accompanying me on my Walk for Life, (we weren't really racing!), today.

The Sun actually shone for the first time in about 2 weeks and it was really hot by the end. Where we had to go across the grass it was a bit slippy underfoot, but we completed it in 62 minutes, so the target is less than an hour next time. Ha, I'm already talking about next time!!

Wearing my Winners medal with pride.

Take that, Dr M, Zebra task 1 completed !!! (Explanation here)

My DH however, decided to end a great day on a slightly sadder note as he fell out of a front foor over the door step into a wall and has injured himself in five places, including:-

 a badly grazed side which won't clot because of his blood thinners!! and

a badly sprained ankle which he is now hobbling on......

.... and things were going so well today.

Hope you've had a good Sunday and maybe done something today to make you feel proud!!

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Crochet the Day Away

Had a very quiet, reflective day yesterday, remembering my Nanna in the everyday things and trying to set aside recent comments and conversations. Apologies for being a bit morose lately, I hope I am coming up the other side of my dip, but I know I have something coming up in the next few days which is likely to set me back again, which makes me a bit fearful. 

Oddly, or maybe not so oddly, one of my sets of Bible Readings lately has been all about "Handling Criticism the Right Way". I get these by email from The UCB, called Word for Today, and it is a very short word of Scripture, and some commentary. The last one in of which was "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31, so I am trying to hold fast to this to keep the fear at bay.

However, I spent yesterday trying to restore my equilibrium with a spot of Crochet. I sat with my Beginners book and a scrappy ball of blue wool and tried to teach myself a few different things.

First I had a go at some half treble crochet stitches and then some popcorn stitches.

Then I thought I would try some Filet work. I know it doesn't look so good in this wool, but it was just a tester.

After that I had a go at doing a scallopy (?) edging.

and finally I went for broke and tried out a motif.

I think there is a mistake in it as I felt I had to fudge one of the joins, but I can't see now myself, so hopefully if I was doing this for real no-one would notice. This was my first attempt at following a chart and I must say I actually found it more difficult than following the gobbledegook abbreviations. I never thought that would be the case, strange!

Today I really must finish some more cards for the Church Jubilee Fair tomorrow, make a birthday card for my Mum, and get the Sons washing done to go away to their Grandparents for half term. So I might be back later to let you know how I got on.

Have a good day.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Depression Lies

Has anyone ever warned you about another person? Not in a nasty, malicious, "None of us like her", kind of way, but in a genuine caring, "just watch out for yourself" kind of way. The kind of way that makes you act just a little more carefully, that makes you try to be a bit more discerning about whether what they are feeding you is true or not. It's happened to me once or twice and I was always grateful for the warning, forewarned is forearmed, after all. I never thought, I wish they hadn't told me that. I might have thought, I'll wait and see for myself, but I was able to mind the cracks on the way.

Well I've got a friendly warning for you, Depression Lies. It's toxic and it's not to be believed.

When it tells you that the World would be better off without you, don't listen, it's telling lies.

When it tells you that all your troubles are your own stupid fault, don't listen, it's telling lies.

When it tells you that you are rubbish at everything, a rubbish mother, a rubbish wife, a rubbish daughter daughter, a rubbish friend, a rubbish employee, a rubbish human being, without exception, don't listen, it's telling lies.

When it tells you that everyone is talking about you behind your back, don't listen it's telling lies.

When it tells you that you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself, because you can't get motivated to keep yourself clean, let alone sort the laundry, the vacuuming and the cleaning and tidying, don't listen to it, it's telling lies.

When it tells you that things can only get worse, don't listen, it's telling lies.

When it tells you it will never get better than this, don't listen, it's telling lies.

 .....if you consider suicide an option, I get it. Please, please, tell someone, anyone. NOW!

and please, please remember, Depression lies, it can't be trusted and it should never be listened to.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx
 

I need to be a Zebra

or The Importance of Goal Setting

First Things First

Still not impressed with the speed of our new Broadband Connection. Before the switch over we had 4 Meg, now we are down to 0.3 Meg. The units are not important really, all you need to know is that downloading the images for tonight's Blog, is taking forever, Ggrrrr!! What did we do before all this technology?

Secondly

Oven part ordered over the Internet, has arrived, has been fitted by DH and oven is now back in operation. Woohoo!! Maybe now I can cook the biscuit mix I had made before it blew up. Hopefully can now try out a few new recipes over the Bank Holiday weekend. A friend suggested I try some from CBeebies, she obviously realises my level of capability!!

More Importantly - Goal Setting

I went to my G.P. yesterday, ostensibly to be doled out some more tablets, to keep me from becoming a problem, while I wait the interminable wait for some actual "talking" therapy, which ultimately is the only thing likely to stop me being a drain on the system in the first place. No, don't get me started on the state of this country's mental health services or this post would never end. Anyway, my G.P. is actually a lovely chap, who has been very kind to both DH and I, since all this started. Whatever, you might think about his advice, at least he takes the time to listen and to try and support with some advice and I do believe he really cares. (Hopefully I'm not just being naive).

He could see I was more Blah! than I was last month when I went to see him, and when I explained it was hard to get motivated to do anything, he reiterated what I do know already, that it is important for people with depression to set themselves goals. Not to beat themselves up with, but to try and keep them moving forwards. He stressed again the importance of exercise and whilst I have managed to keep up the Aquafit and the Taekwondo, my enthusiasm has definitely fallen into a slump, and the exercise I was doing has gone by the board. He was kind enough not to mention the fact that I am "Obese", and I was too chicken to tell him I've put on 3 pounds in the last month.

However, in the interests of giving me goals to aim for, and to increase my exercise, to get all those lovely endorphins released to raise my spirits, he set me a Challenge. Sign up for a 5k Race for Life and start getting sponsorship, so I make myself accountable for it to people. Then get a training plan in place to get ready for it. Once I've done that, then sign up for a 10k Race for Life next and after that sign up for a half Marathon. Now I had been thinking of doing the 5k Race for Life this year for a little while. Indeed, every time the advert comes on, No.2. Son says, you're doing that again aren't you Mommy! However, the thought of me doing a half Marathon is frankly ludicrous, but when I said "Running isn't really my thing. I don't do running."  He explained that I needed to be a Zebra. 

He said that it's all very well for us humans, we are fortunate enough that if we wake up feeling a bit under the weather and can't be bothered to do anything, we can just sit in an armchair or lie on the couch and relax. If you are a Zebra and you wake up and see the rest of the Dazzle (yes that is a collective noun for Zebras), moving on, you can't say to yourself, "Really? must we move on to another watering hole? I'm not really in the mood for it today, can't we just stay here? Tell you what guys, you all move on the next place, I'll just lie back down here". No you can't - because what happens if all the other Zebras move on and you're left on your own? Mmm,num,num, a lion gets a tasty snack, that's what happens! So I have to be a Zebra and just keep moving forward whether I feel like it or not, not wait until I feel like it to move forwards!!

In the interests of being a Zebra, I am now fully signed up for my 5k Race for Life in July. It cost me £14.99 for the privilege. I don't suppose I can take that out of the sponsorship money? No, no, sorry, what am I talking about? Of course I can't, sorry! In fact, I'm not sure I'd be able to anyway, because I'm rubbish at asking people to sponsor anything, still, even if I only tell people I'm doing it, that's the point. I have also started a new page to record my weight loss and for the first couple of weeks a food diary to get me started. Now the thought of putting my weight loss (or more probably lack of loss), out there in the public domain for all to laugh at and criticise is making me very shaky, but I guess accountability can be like that and I have to be a Zebra. Zebras don't spend all their time thinking about what they should or shouldn't do, or what the other Zebras think of them, they just keep moving forwards. So new Page done and weight declared! Oh Lord, I feel I may regret that sooner rather than later.

I'm worn out just from the thought of what I have to do, so I'm going for a quick lie down. There's no lions about are there?

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

After the Rain ...

Thank You

Thank you for the beautiful words and kind comments and most of all the hugs. Welcome to my new follower.

For Debbie

I am up and I have washed my hair, which always makes me feel fresher, and I have put all my clothes on the right way round. However, I am doing as Fostermummy always advises and treating myself gently. I am taking things slowly today and have been indulging in my comfort activity - making cards!! What's your comfort activity to do?

 

When a Black Dog day hits you, it's not rational, it's not reasonable and it's not something that can be controlled. It's very hard to change your thinking, when it's your thinking that's at fault. I guess the real battle is one of reasoning – but it’s an internal process working out that you are not bad, unworthy, evil and worthless or whatever evidence your mind is feeding you with. It is very hard to be open minded with the thoughts that constantly pop into your head and give the ‘good’ ones equal space too. Sometimes you find that even the ‘good’ thoughts still lead to the conclusion that your cr*p, but like many of you in your comments, I too, do believe it's possible and if you can just once come to a more positive conclusion, a crack can appear in your wall.  

While I am a Christian, (as you've probably noticed if you've read any of my Blog), one of the worst things for me to hear someone say is, “Just pray” or quote the bible out of context, e.g. “God gives those He loves peace” Psalm 127:2. God is not so glib. The ‘Man of sorrows’ was “aquainted with grief”. Read Ps 88 and you'll know what I mean, however I also know that:-

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
There will always be sunshine after the rain
Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready to answer your call

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,
A word from His lips can calm every fear
Your sorrows may linger throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish at dawn's early light

The Savior is waiting somewhere above,
To give you His grace and send you His love
Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,
God always sends rainbows after the rain

Moving Forwards

I am still determined to find some biscuits I can cook that all three 'boys' will like. I know this is something that will make me happy in future. To hear "Mum will you make us some of those X bisuits that we like" would be just grand, but even to know that I can whip up somehing they like will be good too, despite the ups and downs that are going to come to get there. So my new plan of attack?.... I'm going to aim for their soft spot, (figuratively speaking)....... chocolate. Browsing the web for a nice recipe for chocolate biscuits, any suggestions give me a shout.

Until next time.

(((Hugs)))

Lots of Love Arwedd xx

Stop the World, I want to get off!

I'm sorry to my Followers today, for what is about to be a very boring and self-indulgent Blog. I'm sure what follows will be very tedious, but then as you can tell I'm on a down day, so I would think that. However if my Blog is to be a true representation of my days, then I have to tell it like it is.

I woke at 3am this morning, with a major panic attack, which saw me hyperventilating and cowering at the side of my dressing table, whilst desperately trying not to wake DH. He might have got ideas, what with all the heavy breathing going on. My palpatations were worse than normal, (I have funny extra heartbeats as normal), and that horrible crushing feeling. I don't know what triggered it, this particular time.

Maybe it was the fact that both sons, rejected both the refrigerator biscuits of yesterday afternoon and my evening's effort at jammy biscuits. Funny, they both like the branded jammie dodgers I buy. No. 2 son declared the jam was "different", and took two of his Jaffa Cake biscuits, still going from his Easter stash. No. 1 Son just gave me that disgusted look he has perfected and took nothing but his sandwich for lunch. I'm telling you, it's not enough for a 5' 7" tall, 13 year old! At the moment I really don't cope well with rejection and I thought I had done so well, picking things they would like and making for less.

Rejected Jammie Biscuits

Maybe it was the fact that I thought I had lost a Follower last night, and was overly upset about it. Wondering what I had done to chase them away?, what I could change?, whether I should just stop altogether, as I knew from the start I would not be as entertaining as my favourite blogs. Did I mention I don't do well with rejection. No pressure, folks!

Maybe it was reading the other fabulous blogs that are taking up the Living Below The Line challenge and knowing I would not know where to start with £1.00 a day. I wish them all the very best  - I know they can do it.

Or maybe, it was the overwhelming reality that I may, just have to, do exactly that and don't know how, rushing up to hit me in the face. The fact that I have no income and currently no ability to change that fact. I am not well enough to look at a job advert, let alone attend an interview, at the moment. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know I have a wonderful DH and two beautiful, amazing sons. I know money isn't everything, it doesn't make you happy, etc, etc. When I was growing up, my parents were not wealthy, but they worked hard and we were comfortable and, within reason, I had most things I wanted. Most parents want their children to have things better, or at least the same as they did, and the thought that you can't provide for them is a scary one.

In my panic this morning, I was able to reach for my Bible, (sometimes I can't move at all), and a little card dropped out it. It was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) card that someone had given me a few months back. She had been passed it by someone else too. It's called Just for Today:-

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole

 life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appal 

me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as

 they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust 

everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it 

comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.

 I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read 

something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody

 a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it,

 it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do

 - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my

 feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, 

dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit,

 not find fault with anything and not try to improve or 

regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, 

but I will have it. I will save myself from two 

pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. 

During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get

 a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid

 to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give

 to the world, so the world will give to me.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I can manage any of those today. I may just have to crawl into a dark space, to suit my mood. But what about tomorrow...................?

Lots of Love Arwedd xx