I'm struggling this week, after a lovely couple of days and am left contemplating the concept of Trust. It feels to me like a very fragile thing, like a butterfly's wing.
Do we need it? Do we have to have someone in our life that we trust or is it something we can live without completely?
I started my EMDR therapy this week. Well I say started I had the Intro session where you get the lecture about your sessions being confidential but with exceptions, such as you might harm yourself or someone else, etc, etc. It's probably that which has me overworking my already taxed and feverish brain and you know what A.A. Milne said, "When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." I am truly a bear of very little brain.
So who should you trust? I have a clear picture in my head of the inside of the Family room on the local Intensive Care ward and looking around at my nearest and dearest, and wondering who would protect me from them, if my DH did not survive or was as mentally handicapped as was predicted. Is that extremely selfish of me? I knew the only person I could trust to keep me safe, was fighting for his life on the ward nextdoor and part of my absolute terror of losing him was I knew these others would overpower me without him there.
I'm ashamed to say that in those first 2 weeks while he lay critically ill, the only thing I managed to do, as I was barely functional, was to renew mine and the Boys passports. I'm not really sure looking back what that was all about. Did I think if DH didn't survive I would flee the country? Was it to be free? from people I don't trust with my Wellbeing.
I was always taught
So I'll keep learning to :
* Trust in the Lord
* Trust in those who see the sorrow behind my smile and care about the reasons why.
* Trust in myself
Until I have all that mastered, I'll keep on stepping out in Faith.
Lots of Love Arwedd xx
