Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Breaking the Silence and Revealing All

Hi Folks, that's the longest absence I've had from my Blog since I started it and I nearly didn't make it back at all. In fact it still remains to be seen whether I do or not. A few different factors really, it started with a cold and I didn't feel like much of anything, except sleeping, then there was a week without access to a computer, and then the darkness descended!!!

I've had a really difficult struggle with some very negative thoughts, in part (I think?) caused by starting my EMDR therapy. Why is it that having waited so very long for it, now that I have started it, I am suddenly angry about how long it has taken, rather than feeling grateful? I am angry that it didn't come in time to, maybe, save my job. After the first couple of sessions of introduction and structure, came a couple of sessions of "History Taking". This consists of trying to articulate all the occasions and situations where negative thoughts and beliefs were fed to you as a child, in 45 minutes. It would take me a week to tell all of these, that's at least 168 hours, not less than one. Then re-living the traumatic incident and picking out all of the worst pictures and scenes from that in your mind and the negative thoughts that go along with them, in another 45 minutes. Gee, that was a FUN session. 

Discovering your fundamental belief about yourself is, "I am not capable", strangely doesn't seem to alter that belief in any way. Does that make me crazy? Not capable of choosing what clothes to wear, not capable of being a good mother, not capable of holding a responsible job, not capable of saving a life. Not capable of writing a Blog that anyone would really miss if it wasn't there. Yes folks, I did have a couple of mopey days, where after a couple of weeks of absence from my Blog, and not a single word from anyone, I felt like it was a confirmation of that. Thanks to Sandra and Rachel for bringing me out of that particular fug.

Hopefully, things will start to change when we get on to the "therapy" proper. I get to choose between having the lovely lady wave her fingers in front and to the sides of my eyes.

Whether to hold some little paddles, one in each hand, which alternately vibrate, at different speeds or listen to clicking noises moving from one ear to the other, or both of these together.

Or, which I think might be my favourite, and the one I'll go for, watching lights move along a bar. These can also be altered in different ways, speed, etc. I did try it and it was the one I found the easiest to concentrate on.

My negative funk, was also in part (I know) caused by a lack of friendship shown to me by folks I actually thought were 'real' friends. It seems I am able to be picked up when wanted/needed for something and put aside when not. Boy, that has the power to really sting, every time! Never mind "a sharp stratch", that one's a sucker punch to the gut!! 

So yes, it's been a struggle and I fear its not over yet.

But as I sit here and write tonight, I am in the throes of another virus, (my second in less than 2 months, my Mum would say I need a "tonic", I never really knew what that meant?), and every paroxysm of coughing is causing terrible pain in my chest, the back of my neck and across my shoulder blades. I am high on pain killers and I have no voice, so I cannot speak, yet it seems very apt that I should be here 'talking' and breaking the silence.

You probably think, I've revealed quite enough already but that wasn't quite what I was thinking of when I wrote the title. I thought I would end on a slightly more positive note with a crochet reveal. So not revealing ALL, at all in fact, phew!!

You have, probably, all forgotten this sneaky peak of a WIP, I gave you back here, at the beginning of August.

I'm afraid to say Mum, all your guesses were incorrect, not a Zebra or a Panda. A bit unfair really, as the photo obviously didn't show the colours too well - they are in fact, cream, lemon and chocolate brown.

The Finished Object is ..............................................

How long do they normally pause for on those dreaded results shows?.........................

before they tell you, which couple.......................................

is leaving this week ..............................................

IMHO, it's far too long ..........................................

to the point where you could scream at the telly .....................................

or just turn over.................................... NO, DON'T DO THAT!! I'm sorry !!! Here it is.

It is actually a car seat blanket and hat, which was a present for FrugalMummy's GD (and she truly is, very gorgeous). Hence the initial secrecy back in August. There is a little hole in the blanket for the car seat strap to go through.

Now, I'm always very honest, so I have a confession to make about the hat. I feel I'm still fairly new to the whole crochet craze, although I'm hooked. (Sorry!!) So I'm still at the stage where I just follow a pattern blindly, but I must admit to having doubts about the size of this hat all the way through. I'm not sure why I thought that the situation would improve, but I did feel it would work out alright in the end. However,......

As I don't have a newborn in the house, Alvin had to step up and model.

When the hat was a tight squeeze even on his head, I knew it was wrong. Eventually I found a willing newborn to try it on and it just perched on top of their tiny head. Uh,Uh, back to the drawing board. Undetered I started again and thought, well I'll just keep increasing for a couple more rounds, but again having no newborn to try it on, I didn't really know when to stop. In the end, I had to consult the oracle, Frugalmummy herself, surprise blown, but I'd rather GD had a gift she can use. 

After taking advice I did a decrease round which brought it in again, so the final hat ended up as a kind of beret! A slight depature from the original, but it didn't look too bad when the flower had been added. What do you think?

The tiny hat went in the present aswell, hopefully Baby's doll can wear it and I so hope the beret fits. If not I still have some more wool left!!!!!

All of it was wrapped up and given to GD at her fabulous Baby Shower and she seemed pleased with the final result.

Now to start the next project, or maybe I should finish another one or two first.

Lots of Love Arwedd xx


  1. Welcome back, nice to see you again. I am trying to get to grips with doing crochet too. Not up to your standard yet.

    Keep on keeping on.

    1. Thanks and an extremely belated thank you for the BSL books you sent me. They did arrive and it was very remiss of me not to thank you before now.

      I'm still getting to grips with the encyclopaedia, but the smaller book is great and I am practising.

      Arwedd xx

  2. I assumed Black Dog was visiting and you didn't want to be hassled.
    I could kick myself.
    Jane xx

    1. Please don't kick youself, I don't want to be responsible for the bruises. You know the Black Dog can manipulate any situation, so we'll never get it right.

      No worries :-) I got over it.

      Arwedd xx

  3. Oh you poor thing, you are certainly going through the wringer :( I hope your treatment helps you to believe in yourself and helps you make peace with the past. Glad you have made it back and not dropped off the face of the earth, I am so pleased that you have retained your sense of humour too!
    Your crochet looks wonderful, the GD is a very lucky wee girl :) LOVE the crochet flower.
    Take Care.

  4. I have never heard of EMDR but I suppose like most therapies, it opens things up so things get worse before they get better. And that a have an effect on you physically as well, which is maybe why you keep falling for these viruses.It is a great thing you are doing to tackle something that ails you - don't forget that. You should be proud of yourself. (and don't get me going on how difficult crochet is!)

    1. Hmm ... should be .... still working on it.

      Thanks Arwedd xx

  5. I am here, I am at the end of the text/phone, I always have special space and special time in my life and my heart for you. Currently struggling under a sh*t load of life's lemons myself but please do call x

    1. Thanks FM. Trying not to keep leaning on the same few people. I know it (I) can get a real bore when the tune never seems to change.

      Be nice to catch up soon.

      Arwedd xxxxx

  6. I do hope the EMDR helps you.I struggled with my psychology sessions at first - having to go through everything so she could write it all down,all those emotions, all that stress - I did benefit in the end though and came out of it in a much better place.Having said that, life has thrown some awful things at me lately and my blog has been closed and deleted as a consequence of that.

    1. Sad to see your Blog go :-(

      Just hoping to come out of it all, at the mo, but I'm sure it can't be any worse.

      Thanks for your support.

      Arwedd xx