I'm struggling this week, after a lovely couple of days and am left contemplating the concept of Trust. It feels to me like a very fragile thing, like a butterfly's wing.
Do we need it? Do we have to have someone in our life that we trust or is it something we can live without completely?
I started my EMDR therapy this week. Well I say started I had the Intro session where you get the lecture about your sessions being confidential but with exceptions, such as you might harm yourself or someone else, etc, etc. It's probably that which has me overworking my already taxed and feverish brain and you know what A.A. Milne said, "When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it." I am truly a bear of very little brain.
So who should you trust? I have a clear picture in my head of the inside of the Family room on the local Intensive Care ward and looking around at my nearest and dearest, and wondering who would protect me from them, if my DH did not survive or was as mentally handicapped as was predicted. Is that extremely selfish of me? I knew the only person I could trust to keep me safe, was fighting for his life on the ward nextdoor and part of my absolute terror of losing him was I knew these others would overpower me without him there.
I'm ashamed to say that in those first 2 weeks while he lay critically ill, the only thing I managed to do, as I was barely functional, was to renew mine and the Boys passports. I'm not really sure looking back what that was all about. Did I think if DH didn't survive I would flee the country? Was it to be free? from people I don't trust with my Wellbeing.
I was always taught
So I'll keep learning to :
* Trust in the Lord
* Trust in those who see the sorrow behind my smile and care about the reasons why.
* Trust in myself
Until I have all that mastered, I'll keep on stepping out in Faith.
Lots of Love Arwedd xx
I think you have nailed it with your last three points. Be strong & trust your own judgement. I think that you already know that just because they are family, it doesn't mean they are your friends - harsh I know, but I too have life experiences which have shocked & bewildered me. Sx
ReplyDeleteRemember Arwedd, that butterfly started life in a cocoon,surly we are not meant to stay there.We live in community with people, and yes our trust and love often gets dashed and broken by those closest to us,nearness inflicts the deepest wounds.How wonderful to read your solution to it all,not everything we were taught is true!
ReplyDeletePraying that your EMDR sessions go well and that you stay strong and focused.Love and hugs Triciaxxx
I used to trust first, ask questions later.
ReplyDeleteNowadays (for the reasons you already know), I choose who to trust very wisely and am not as surprised when people are just people. xx
I don't think you were selfish in your thoughts. Self preservation is a very strong instinct. As you know, my family is fractured, and I don't miss those who have wounded me so deeply - if they had been friends rather than family I wouldn't have tried so hard for so long, but would have cut them from my life sooner.
ReplyDeleteI hope your therapy sessions go well , and are of benefit to you. x
Hope all is well. Also hoping the books arrived as when I got to the post office I had missed part of the post code.
ReplyDeleteArwedd, I need to go back and read again for I feel I've missed a huge happening for want of a much better word. I hope you can get through the stuff that's going on. I trust easily, which makes for constant heartache. I send my heart out to anyone who wants it. Been burned a few times, but I don't change. Some call it naive. It's who I am. I hope you take comfort from knowing there are folks out here who worry about you n wish you well xxx sending you some bloggy love from a bloggy friend x I know I'm not 'real' to you per se but am here should you need me.
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