Friday, 13 April 2012

Confessions of a Selfish 41 year old ...

Today's Blog is brought to you by the letter C

Camping (well sort of!)

No. 2 son enjoyed his camp bed 'adventure' in the study and has already brought to that room, the havoc he normally wreaks in his own bedroom. He declared this morning that it was more comfortable than his bed and he was going to live there from now on. Must check out his matress?


Today we took our friend out for the day to Exeter Canal. 

The towpath has been paved over and it leads on a nice walk down to this lovely Pub.


However rather than walk it we decided to get the bikes out and Cycle it. 

They are on the path on the right, in front of me!
 It's quicker to get to the beer that way! The weather was so lovely that we were able to sit outside and watch the fun in the Play Area.

Confession time

I haven't really told anyone about the problems I have been going through in the past few months, except one or two very, very close friends. However, when my friend asked me how things were going at work, I couldn't lie. Lying is something I am rubbish at, even 'fudging' I'm not great at, so people often get a more honest answer than they were expecting.

It's very hard to admit that, as a grown woman, you would rather die on the spot than have to walk in the office doors and face another person. It doesn't help that when I first went off sick, I had to tell my Mum and Dad, who told me I should "man up", get back in there and fight to defend my job and my abilities. Mum said I just needed to pull myself together and get back to work because having sickness on my record was extremely damaging to a career I had spent 20 years building to get near the top of. "Mother is always right" and it is indeed hard to think that I have done all of that, made lots of sacrifices along the way and Failed, with a capital F. Being a failure feels cr*p. It's hard to explain that being bullied, is similar to worse forms of abuse, in that it eats away at your confidence gradually, it somehow sneaks up on you and pulls you down until you have no fight left in you. If it it had been just that I had to deal with I might have coped, but with the PTSD and dreams where I am continually counting, as though I am doing CPR, over & over again, it was just too much. Maybe I am just a weak person.

It is hard to admit that, as a grown woman, I have basically been a coward and run away. If it was one of my boys being bullied at school, I'm not sure I would recommend they just hide. I would no doubt tell them to stand up for themselves, just like my Mum did to me. I know she says it because she loves me and wants to try and fire me up, but it hurts to be told I'm being selfish, not thinking of my family or doing what's best for them. In fact making their lives worse because I won't be able to provide for them. Consequently, I haven't yet told them I have handed in my notice and am unemployed. I'm still plucking up the courage and trying to find the stength to deal with the reaction. However I did tell my friend, and his reaction? The best thing for my family is a happy and healthy Mommy, he said. A friend indeed!

In the words of James Morrison,
 "If I knew yesterday what I know today
where would I be tomorrow,
I won't let my soul slide away,
I'd do whatever it takes,
Coz this time's only borrowed"

Indeed, unlike my miraculous DH who's on his second, I do only have one life to live and I want to live it. The wonderful thing about the Easter Story is that Jesus teaches us, life and love and joy can come out of the darkest of times. Until I learn how to live my life right going forwards from here, I will just have to pray that God will catch me when I fall and keep Stepping Out in Faith.............

I feel the need to lighten the mood now, so I'm asking you the question No.2 son asked me this morning:-

"Mummy, I always put my right sock on first, which foot do you put your sock on first?" I still haven't figured out the answer myself, but what about you? Do you know?

Lots of Love Arwedd xxx


  1. Often things happen that change our life's direction...we wonder why? Why now? Why this way? When you look back you see the reason, and how it led to the life you should be living. God led you there, trust Him.
    Your friend is right.
    Jane x
    PS Right foot first!

    1. I feel like Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" - Baby Steps!!


  2. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. That reason isn't always immediately apparent. My heart condition was diagnosed at the beginning of my final year of teacher training. I had to give up my dream of being a teacher but I have a better chance of living a long life now, and I'm so very happy - happier than I ever could have been in a stressful profession like teaching. Socks - left foot first.

    1. I know a few people who have given up teaching because they feel they are not free to teach with all the various assessments, targets etc, so no doubt you are more blessed now.

      Thanks for your comment x Arwedd xx

  3. Honey, your friend today is SO right.
    All the money in the world is not worth you being bullied to the point of suicide.

    When I'm feeling unsure of what God has planned for me, I think of KT. The vision that He had for her led to what she is doing today.
    All I can do is trust in Him.

    In my darkest days I honestly felt He had left me, but I know in my heart that He is quietly there with me, as He is with you.
    If I had not become ill, I would never have had the time to blog, or sew. I would never have turned to God for help, and I would never have found the true friends I now have - instead I would have continued fooling myself that the "friends" I had were, well, friends.
    And now I am thanking God that I have the chance to be a friend of yours xxx

    Socks - right foot first.

    1. I wish I could have a vision as clear as hers. I feel like I'm fumbling around in the dark and I'm hoping He switches His light on soon.

      Thanks for being a great friend too. I need every one I can get!!

      Love Arwedd xx

  4. After all you have been through you'd have your head in the clouds if you were NOT traumatised!!!! I can't go into details but I know where you're coming from and I am wrecked too. No-one has never lived another person's life and we should not criticise others' reaction to trauma. Sometimes, when we "man-up" we bury our feelings and then the eventual crash is much worse. You're dealing with it the best way you know and need support not tearing down. Maybe you can tell your mum that. (((Hugs)))

    1. Thanks so much for the Hugs, I can never have enough of those. I'm sorry you are feeling bad too, I wish I could take it away for you. Like me, try Baby Steps!

      (((Hugs))) Arwedd xx

    2. Aw thanks. It's my hubby's pain but I feel it too, so I'll pass on a few hugs to him. Best wishes.

  5. Right sock on first, right shoe on first, and ditto when taking them off. Right hand into coat sleeve first and right hand pointing down when I fold my arms.

    Go girl, it sounds as though you are a very sensible person. Who wants to be miserable at work? Be the happy, healthy mum. Now go and check that mattress.
    Love from Mum

    1. Thanks Mum. Actually I wish you were my Mum, hope that doesn't sound wrong!

      The visitor said the matress was the most comfortable he had ever slept on!!

      Love Arwedd xx

  6. Thanks Mum, I'm trying!

    Arwedd xx

  7. Dear Arwedd
    Just tootling around blogland and came across your blog. I wanted to send you love, best wishes and encouragement. I've not had time to fully read everything here but have picked up that you have been having a rough time lately and not unsurprisingly, feel very low. I'm not sure what your work problems have been, but believe that ongoing work stress is never worth putting up with, if you have the option of getting out. It saps your strength and it's worth making financial sacrifices to get yourself out of the situation.
    So, be kind to yourself and live your life surrounded by the love of God. He is there in every part of your life, even if you don't always feel it. He loves and accepts you just as you are.
    God bless

    1. Thank you for your lovely words.

      God Bless x Arwedd xx

  8. There is absolutely nothing weak about talking about your feelings and it takes guts to stand up to bullies. I handed in my notice at my present job with nothing to go to and found another 2 weeks later (I still have to work a 3 month notice period, but I know the end is in sight. I am no longer a practising Christian, but a verse I always remember from the bible is from Jeremiah - "I know the plans I have for you .... plans to prosper you" Don't judge yourself by other peoples' standards - I didn't go with my instincts over my current job and it has landed me in trouble - we all have the right to be happy xxx

    1. Thanks for reminding of that verse and for your kind words. They really mean a lot.

      Arwedd xx