Confessions of a Selfish 41 year old ...

Today's Blog is brought to you by the letter C

Camping (well sort of!)

No. 2 son enjoyed his camp bed 'adventure' in the study and has already brought to that room, the havoc he normally wreaks in his own bedroom. He declared this morning that it was more comfortable than his bed and he was going to live there from now on. Must check out his matress?

Canal

Today we took our friend out for the day to Exeter Canal. 

The towpath has been paved over and it leads on a nice walk down to this lovely Pub.

Cycling

However rather than walk it we decided to get the bikes out and Cycle it. 

They are on the path on the right, in front of me!

 It's quicker to get to the beer that way! The weather was so lovely that we were able to sit outside and watch the fun in the Play Area.

Confession time

I haven't really told anyone about the problems I have been going through in the past few months, except one or two very, very close friends. However, when my friend asked me how things were going at work, I couldn't lie. Lying is something I am rubbish at, even 'fudging' I'm not great at, so people often get a more honest answer than they were expecting.

It's very hard to admit that, as a grown woman, you would rather die on the spot than have to walk in the office doors and face another person. It doesn't help that when I first went off sick, I had to tell my Mum and Dad, who told me I should "man up", get back in there and fight to defend my job and my abilities. Mum said I just needed to pull myself together and get back to work because having sickness on my record was extremely damaging to a career I had spent 20 years building to get near the top of. "Mother is always right" and it is indeed hard to think that I have done all of that, made lots of sacrifices along the way and Failed, with a capital F. Being a failure feels cr*p. It's hard to explain that being bullied, is similar to worse forms of abuse, in that it eats away at your confidence gradually, it somehow sneaks up on you and pulls you down until you have no fight left in you. If it it had been just that I had to deal with I might have coped, but with the PTSD and dreams where I am continually counting, as though I am doing CPR, over & over again, it was just too much. Maybe I am just a weak person.

It is hard to admit that, as a grown woman, I have basically been a coward and run away. If it was one of my boys being bullied at school, I'm not sure I would recommend they just hide. I would no doubt tell them to stand up for themselves, just like my Mum did to me. I know she says it because she loves me and wants to try and fire me up, but it hurts to be told I'm being selfish, not thinking of my family or doing what's best for them. In fact making their lives worse because I won't be able to provide for them. Consequently, I haven't yet told them I have handed in my notice and am unemployed. I'm still plucking up the courage and trying to find the stength to deal with the reaction. However I did tell my friend, and his reaction? The best thing for my family is a happy and healthy Mommy, he said. A friend indeed!

In the words of James Morrison,

 "If I knew yesterday what I know today

where would I be tomorrow,

I won't let my soul slide away,

I'd do whatever it takes,

Coz this time's only borrowed"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlIWLwQlCso

Indeed, unlike my miraculous DH who's on his second, I do only have one life to live and I want to live it. The wonderful thing about the Easter Story is that Jesus teaches us, life and love and joy can come out of the darkest of times. Until I learn how to live my life right going forwards from here, I will just have to pray that God will catch me when I fall and keep Stepping Out in Faith.............

I feel the need to lighten the mood now, so I'm asking you the question No.2 son asked me this morning:-

"Mummy, I always put my right sock on first, which foot do you put your sock on first?" I still haven't figured out the answer myself, but what about you? Do you know?

Lots of Love Arwedd xxx