Stepping out in Faith

Having struggled with PTSD & Depression for the last 9 months, I am a woman seeking refuge and restoration, making significant life changes and praying that if I "walk by faith and not by sight" 2Cor 5:7 God will be there to guide my steps to a safer path.

I am 41 and live in a beautiful part of Devon on the edge of Dartmoor. I have a Darling Hubby (DH) and two wonderful sons, nominally aged 13 and 7 (8 on Easter Sunday!!), but both of them going on 90 in terms of their knowledge and wisdom. It seems there is nothing I can teach them which is just as well, as it seems I have a lot to learn myself. Top on my list is learning that I am 'good enough'.

DH had a Cardiac Arrest at home on 22nd February 2010, around 22:00. Thankfully we had sat down to watch the television that evening together, for the first time in about three months. Prior to that we had both been so busy with work and household jobs that our evenings were invariably spent with DH in his study and me in the kitchen. However that night God was watching over him and when he stood up just after the Ten O'clock News had started, only to say 'I feel faint' and then promptly drop down dead, I was there to witness it and call 999. 

I proceeded to perform CPR on DH for 15 minutes, with the help of the wonderful Hannah who took my call, until the Ambulance crew arrived. The amazing Tony and Steve used the Defibrillator to shock DH's heart 5 times, pumped him full of drugs, intubated him (stuck a tube down his throat) and carted him off to A&E in a big flashy ambulance. I was convinced he was gone and I was distraught. To cut a very long story somewhat shorter, after a horrendous few days, during which he was taken to ICU, where they put him in a state of induced hypothermia and told me he was very likely to be severely brian damaged due to 25 minutes without a proper supply of Oxygen to the brain, he was taken to the Bristol Heart Institute. 

There we spent a horrendous month of tests and risky operations, but he eventually came home with an 800 volt "Shock Box" or ICD (Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator) wired up directly to his heart, just in case it throws a wobbly again and I can thankfully say my DH is one of the 5% of people who survive a cardiac arrest outside of hospital. I should add his brain is no worse than it was before the event. I do know that if what happened, had happened at any other time, for example, in his sleep, or even half an hour later, I would not have known until after he was gone. I also know that in addition to the miracle of the timing, God held on tight to him that night and I am so grateful to have him back.

Sadly the event has left me with continuing nightmares, flashbacks (awake) and mood swings. During the following year my life was also made more difficult by someone at work who should have known better, (probably shouldn't blog about this in detail) which threw me into full blown depression. I am on a waiting list for EMDR, which could take months and has ultimately led to me resigning from not only my job, but a career which has taken me 24 years to build. 

So here I stand on the cusp of something new with no confidence in my ability to peel a potato any more, let alone do the kind of senior job I used to do. DH has just bought me a sweet little two-seater soft-top Sports car, (it's a Mazda MX5, for those who are interested in that kind of thing) which he says is a "Lifes too Short" gift. Indeed, it is giving me some good days driving round in the sun, across the Moors, with the top down, but I still get the bad days too and I have no idea where God wants me to go next.

Inspired by the awesome and wonderful Fostermummy, who I know is on the same rollercoaster, I am determined to start making changes to my life. (I am also very desperate to Win a Day with her, more about that later!!). I know my blog is unlikely to be as entertaining as hers - she is well worth following - fostermummy.blogspot.com but I would be grateful for any comments you wish to send my way.

I am thankful that the Lord has declared He will Restore my health and heal my wounds (Jer 30:17) and until that happens, I guess I will just have to start Stepping Out in Faith.......