Friday, 6 April 2012

Stepping out in Faith

Having struggled with PTSD & Depression for the last 9 months, I am a woman seeking refuge and restoration, making significant life changes and praying that if I "walk by faith and not by sight" 2Cor 5:7 God will be there to guide my steps to a safer path.

I am 41 and live in a beautiful part of Devon on the edge of Dartmoor. I have a Darling Hubby (DH) and two wonderful sons, nominally aged 13 and 7 (8 on Easter Sunday!!), but both of them going on 90 in terms of their knowledge and wisdom. It seems there is nothing I can teach them which is just as well, as it seems I have a lot to learn myself. Top on my list is learning that I am 'good enough'.

DH had a Cardiac Arrest at home on 22nd February 2010, around 22:00. Thankfully we had sat down to watch the television that evening together, for the first time in about three months. Prior to that we had both been so busy with work and household jobs that our evenings were invariably spent with DH in his study and me in the kitchen. However that night God was watching over him and when he stood up just after the Ten O'clock News had started, only to say 'I feel faint' and then promptly drop down dead, I was there to witness it and call 999. 

I proceeded to perform CPR on DH for 15 minutes, with the help of the wonderful Hannah who took my call, until the Ambulance crew arrived. The amazing Tony and Steve used the Defibrillator to shock DH's heart 5 times, pumped him full of drugs, intubated him (stuck a tube down his throat) and carted him off to A&E in a big flashy ambulance. I was convinced he was gone and I was distraught. To cut a very long story somewhat shorter, after a horrendous few days, during which he was taken to ICU, where they put him in a state of induced hypothermia and told me he was very likely to be severely brian damaged due to 25 minutes without a proper supply of Oxygen to the brain, he was taken to the Bristol Heart Institute. 

There we spent a horrendous month of tests and risky operations, but he eventually came home with an 800 volt "Shock Box" or ICD (Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator) wired up directly to his heart, just in case it throws a wobbly again and I can thankfully say my DH is one of the 5% of people who survive a cardiac arrest outside of hospital. I should add his brain is no worse than it was before the event. I do know that if what happened, had happened at any other time, for example, in his sleep, or even half an hour later, I would not have known until after he was gone. I also know that in addition to the miracle of the timing, God held on tight to him that night and I am so grateful to have him back.

Sadly the event has left me with continuing nightmares, flashbacks (awake) and mood swings. During the following year my life was also made more difficult by someone at work who should have known better, (probably shouldn't blog about this in detail) which threw me into full blown depression. I am on a waiting list for EMDR, which could take months and has ultimately led to me resigning from not only my job, but a career which has taken me 24 years to build. 

So here I stand on the cusp of something new with no confidence in my ability to peel a potato any more, let alone do the kind of senior job I used to do. DH has just bought me a sweet little two-seater soft-top Sports car, (it's a Mazda MX5, for those who are interested in that kind of thing) which he says is a "Lifes too Short" gift. Indeed, it is giving me some good days driving round in the sun, across the Moors, with the top down, but I still get the bad days too and I have no idea where God wants me to go next.

Inspired by the awesome and wonderful Fostermummy, who I know is on the same rollercoaster, I am determined to start making changes to my life. (I am also very desperate to Win a Day with her, more about that later!!). I know my blog is unlikely to be as entertaining as hers - she is well worth following - but I would be grateful for any comments you wish to send my way.

I am thankful that the Lord has declared He will Restore my health and heal my wounds (Jer 30:17) and until that happens, I guess I will just have to start Stepping Out in Faith.......


  1. Hi, I just popped by to say thank you for becoming a follower of my blog. I'm so sorry to here about the events of your year. You have had a great shock which will take time to heal and I'm so happy for you that your DH has survived. I, too, had a heart attack some years back - not as severe as the one I've read here but it does make you view life from a different angle. In my blog I want to celebrate the simple things in life and most importantly - living. Your DH is correct when he says 'Life is too short', enjoy it here and now. You don't have to do anything special. I just look about me to find the wonderful things that are there. I hope you will continue blogging. Enjoy your life and take care.
    Love from Mum

  2. Love the fact you are now blogging - it's great Therapy, as a "sum of all your days"....get my phone number from KT and ring me. I'll have you crochetting before long x

  3. You have had a tough year. Your DH is very correct life is short, I too have learnt that the past year or so.
    Love the car

  4. Life is too short, we should enjoy every minute. So pleased that your DH survived and came back home to you, timing is everything and you were truly being watched over that night.

    Love your car!

    Sue xx

  5. Welcome to blogland - we're all friends here so put the traumas behind you now and know you have a lot of folks here, most of whom you'll never actually meet, who are behind you all the way xx

  6. I've just discovered your blog and am very moved by your story. I'm very glad that God chose to keep your husband here with you. I've battled depression for many years and have had confidence issues. At first I was going to keep this information from my blog but have recently decided that as it is part of me, I shouldn't feel the need to hide it. I look forward to following you in your journey. XX

    1. Thanks for becoming a Follower. The support I am getting here in Blogland is really helping to keep me going at the moment. Despite trying to keep my Blog upbeat, (who'd want to read it otherwise?), each day is a struggle at the moment. I will be heading over to check out your Blog next!

      Arwedd xx