Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Stop the World, I want to get off!

I'm sorry to my Followers today, for what is about to be a very boring and self-indulgent Blog. I'm sure what follows will be very tedious, but then as you can tell I'm on a down day, so I would think that. However if my Blog is to be a true representation of my days, then I have to tell it like it is.

I woke at 3am this morning, with a major panic attack, which saw me hyperventilating and cowering at the side of my dressing table, whilst desperately trying not to wake DH. He might have got ideas, what with all the heavy breathing going on. My palpatations were worse than normal, (I have funny extra heartbeats as normal), and that horrible crushing feeling. I don't know what triggered it, this particular time.

Maybe it was the fact that both sons, rejected both the refrigerator biscuits of yesterday afternoon and my evening's effort at jammy biscuits. Funny, they both like the branded jammie dodgers I buy. No. 2 son declared the jam was "different", and took two of his Jaffa Cake biscuits, still going from his Easter stash. No. 1 Son just gave me that disgusted look he has perfected and took nothing but his sandwich for lunch. I'm telling you, it's not enough for a 5' 7" tall, 13 year old! At the moment I really don't cope well with rejection and I thought I had done so well, picking things they would like and making for less.

Rejected Jammie Biscuits
Maybe it was the fact that I thought I had lost a Follower last night, and was overly upset about it. Wondering what I had done to chase them away?, what I could change?, whether I should just stop altogether, as I knew from the start I would not be as entertaining as my favourite blogs. Did I mention I don't do well with rejection. No pressure, folks!

Maybe it was reading the other fabulous blogs that are taking up the Living Below The Line challenge and knowing I would not know where to start with £1.00 a day. I wish them all the very best  - I know they can do it.

Or maybe, it was the overwhelming reality that I may, just have to, do exactly that and don't know how, rushing up to hit me in the face. The fact that I have no income and currently no ability to change that fact. I am not well enough to look at a job advert, let alone attend an interview, at the moment. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know I have a wonderful DH and two beautiful, amazing sons. I know money isn't everything, it doesn't make you happy, etc, etc. When I was growing up, my parents were not wealthy, but they worked hard and we were comfortable and, within reason, I had most things I wanted. Most parents want their children to have things better, or at least the same as they did, and the thought that you can't provide for them is a scary one.

In my panic this morning, I was able to reach for my Bible, (sometimes I can't move at all), and a little card dropped out it. It was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) card that someone had given me a few months back. She had been passed it by someone else too. It's called Just for Today:-

Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole
 life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appal 
me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as
 they make up their minds to be.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust 
everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it 
comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
 I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read 
something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody
 a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it,
 it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do
 - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my
 feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, 
dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit,
 not find fault with anything and not try to improve or 
regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly, 
but I will have it. I will save myself from two 
pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. 
During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get
 a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid
 to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give
 to the world, so the world will give to me.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I can manage any of those today. I may just have to crawl into a dark space, to suit my mood. But what about tomorrow...................?

Lots of Love Arwedd xx


  1. Hang on in there and well done for 'keeping it real'. Please, please, please go read the post I wrote on letting go of hurt:

    I really think this will help you. Let go of other peoples' stuff - you cannot decide what your 13 year old eats - let it go - he won't starve - I have an 11 stone 17 year old who is 6' 7" and only takes a sandwich for his lunch. Your followers - you cannot worry about them - let it be - if they follow - lovely, if they stop - don't worry. Don't try to start living on £1 a day - start slowly - think of one thing you could maybe do without. SMART targets (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time limited). Today I blogged about coffee - go and read it (I am sounding bossy) - could you be eating/drinking something that is impacting on your moods? I can point you in the direction of good reading material if you want. Remember Mother Julian's phrase: "All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well" - try to rest today and find something to laugh at - Hugs xxx

    1. Thanks Mrs Thifty. I did emerge from hole in time for school pick up and went back to re-look at the Blog. I have added the Book to my reading list, but need to see if it's in the Library.

      I did cut out my coffee a while ago, as it made my heart worse and swapped onto Grren Tea. I's supposed to be good for weight loss. Do you know if this is an issue aswell as coffee?

      Arwedd xx

  2. What about tomorrow? It's not here yet, so you can't worry about it. Heal today.
    If your sons don't like your biscuits/cookies...get them to help you make what they would want.
    Hope this reaches you soon...HUUUUUUUUUG!
    Jane x
    PS When I lose followers I wince, then someone else begins to follow! It happens to us all.

  3. Don't agonise over missing followers - it happens. This is your blog not theirs. Don't agonise over someone not eating what you makes - it happens to me all the time. All the more for me! Do take that half hour for yourself - you not the others and do get back into bed you'll catch cold jumping out like that. Oh and mind out - there's another virtual hug coming your way.
    Love from Mum

  4. Dear Arwedd
    Sorry that you are not feeling the greatest today. A disturbed night is horrible and all your worries and insecurities loom so large then.
    Can I just give you some advice about all this frugal living stuff and apologies if I offend other blog writers? Trying to live more frugally is great and is something that I try to practice and will no doubt have to do more so in the not too distant future as I am expecting our income to drastically reduce pretty soon. The encouragement to be gained from reading like minded blogs is huge, but I personally feel that these constant challenges thrown down, and the resulting accountability make frugality an end in itself, not just a means to an end. To beat yourself up over perceived failings and scoring your good and bad points at the end of the day, will do you no good at all. Everything that happens during your day happens within the context of God's love, and as I said a couple of days ago, he accepts you just as you are.
    Obviously, you are out of practice with your cooking. Try to do it for pleasure, rather than doing it as something you "ought to do". You will soon gain confidence and I'm sure that in due course your family will appreciate the results. And that applies to all your frugal housewifely efforts.
    With regard to your purchase of drinks from the cafe the other day, don't beat yourself over that either. It's worth remembering that someone else's livlihood may depend on people like you making use of that facility. It's just a question of finding a balance.
    This has turned out to be quite a sermon but I hope that you may find some of this helpful.
    Hope you sleep well tonight.
    God bless

    1. Woah, Stella, something you have said here, has just leapt out at me!!

      I receive the UCB Word for Today by Email and today's Word was entitled A Heavenly Perspective. Part of it reads

      "God is keeping track of what you do for Him each day. You have more to gain by serving the Lord than you ever imagined. Yes, He will bless and reward you in this life, but nothing by comparison to what awaits you in the next one. When you know that, simple decisions such as how you spend your time, your money and your energy suddenly become opportunities with great promise."

      Doing it for pleasure, finding a balance and opportunities with great promise, that speaks to me today.

      Thanks so much for your comments, they WERE really helpful.

      Arwedd xx

  5. Hello Arwedd,

    I've just found your lovely new blog via fostermummy. I hope you're feeling at least a little better today. My 13 year old is my fiercest food critic, try not to take it to heart. ((((Hugs))))

    Emma xxx

    1. Thanks, I'm trying not to.

      Thanks so much for stopping by, it means a lot.

      Arwedd xx

  6. Hi Arwedd
    I found this blog through Foster Mummy at her 'My Beautiful Life' blog. I have suffered badly with anxiety and depression, although at the moment I am thankfully going through a good patch. I know that sometimes even the tiny things that you wouldn't even notice when you are well, can seem like huge insurmountable problems when you are not. Like children refusing to eat things you have lovingly cooked for them ( I have in the past hurled a plate of spaghetti bolognese at the wall to the horrified surprise of my son who 'didn't like it'!) When I am worrying about things that are out of my control I try to remember this little quote from Winnie the Pooh, "What if the sky falls down?" said Piglet. "What if it doesn't?" said Pooh. I sincerely hope that things get better for you very soon.

    1. I love that quote. I will remember it! and now it makes me think of a country song - "Yes we might fall, but What if we Fly?"

      Thanks so much for stopping by.

      Arwedd xx

  7. My son who is 15 on Saturday has ONLY ever taken a solitary sandwich to school since he hit 13. I fussed and fussed and fussed. I tried to put stuff in a box - filled it with treats, he warned me I won't eat it mum, he would I would snigger to myself, he can't resist flapjack etc. But he did! So it's taken two years for me to not worry over him! I'm smirking as I wrote that because I just called down the stairs what are you doing? When he replied having a drink I mmediately asked in a worried naggy mum voice - did you not have a drink at school today??!!! He is tall, gangly, wiry and strong. Your boy will live!! Isn't it funny how children give us parents universal fears!.
    Also those black moments and those panic attacks are crippling. bbut you WILL be alright xx

    1. Phew, I'm glad it's not just mine. You made me snigger too!!

      Thanks Arwedd x

  8. Its hard to get people to understand what your going through if they never have their selves.I dont deal with rejection very well either,I have been clinically depressed for 10yrs but I just take each day as it comes now.Thanks for the follow :) xx

    1. You are more than welcome for the follow. It is very hard and while I am trying to keep my Blog upbeat, it's hard as that's often not how I feel.

      Each day as it comes is the right way to go - baby step!!

      Love Arwedd xx

  9. Hello. I think you said you were looking for something you did really well. I think you write this blog really well. It's honest and descriptive and I really felt for you. It's not a fun thing to be happening but the blog is about you. If you start pretending it needs to be upbeat all the while you will drive yourself mad - and it won't read as well.
    If it's any comfort. I once put Toad in the Hole in front of my daughter and she actually made a vomiting noise! She was about six at the time - she's never done it since!

    1. Oh dear for the vomiting noise, but it did make me laugh!

      Thank You.

      Arwedd xx