I'm sorry to my Followers today, for what is about to be a very boring and self-indulgent Blog. I'm sure what follows will be very tedious, but then as you can tell I'm on a down day, so I would think that. However if my Blog is to be a true representation of my days, then I have to tell it like it is.
I woke at 3am this morning, with a major panic attack, which saw me hyperventilating and cowering at the side of my dressing table, whilst desperately trying not to wake DH. He might have got ideas, what with all the heavy breathing going on. My palpatations were worse than normal, (I have funny extra heartbeats as normal), and that horrible crushing feeling. I don't know what triggered it, this particular time.
Maybe it was the fact that both sons, rejected both the refrigerator biscuits of yesterday afternoon and my evening's effort at jammy biscuits. Funny, they both like the branded jammie dodgers I buy. No. 2 son declared the jam was "different", and took two of his Jaffa Cake biscuits, still going from his Easter stash. No. 1 Son just gave me that disgusted look he has perfected and took nothing but his sandwich for lunch. I'm telling you, it's not enough for a 5' 7" tall, 13 year old! At the moment I really don't cope well with rejection and I thought I had done so well, picking things they would like and making for less.
|Rejected Jammie Biscuits|
Maybe it was the fact that I thought I had lost a Follower last night, and was overly upset about it. Wondering what I had done to chase them away?, what I could change?, whether I should just stop altogether, as I knew from the start I would not be as entertaining as my favourite blogs. Did I mention I don't do well with rejection. No pressure, folks!
Maybe it was reading the other fabulous blogs that are taking up the Living Below The Line challenge and knowing I would not know where to start with £1.00 a day. I wish them all the very best - I know they can do it.
Or maybe, it was the overwhelming reality that I may, just have to, do exactly that and don't know how, rushing up to hit me in the face. The fact that I have no income and currently no ability to change that fact. I am not well enough to look at a job advert, let alone attend an interview, at the moment. I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know I have a wonderful DH and two beautiful, amazing sons. I know money isn't everything, it doesn't make you happy, etc, etc. When I was growing up, my parents were not wealthy, but they worked hard and we were comfortable and, within reason, I had most things I wanted. Most parents want their children to have things better, or at least the same as they did, and the thought that you can't provide for them is a scary one.
In my panic this morning, I was able to reach for my Bible, (sometimes I can't move at all), and a little card dropped out it. It was an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) card that someone had given me a few months back. She had been passed it by someone else too. It's called Just for Today:-
Just for today I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle my whole
life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appal
me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. Most folks are as happy as
they make up their minds to be.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust
everything to my own desires. I will take my 'luck' as it
comes and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study.
I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody
a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it,
it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do
- just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my
feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.
Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can,
dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit,
not find fault with anything and not try to improve or
regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a programme. I may not follow it exactly,
but I will have it. I will save myself from two
pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax.
During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get
a better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid
to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give
to the world, so the world will give to me.
To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I can manage any of those today. I may just have to crawl into a dark space, to suit my mood. But what about tomorrow...................?